this is the first in a series of reports from our resident taco blob, Chicago Fats.. The blob will be your man behind enemy lines, going boldy where no self-respecting taco lover should ever go.. the fast food joints..wish him luck and prepare to be disgusted and ashamed for him and his sidekick dog Taco Mutt.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Starring: TT Blob & Taco Mutt

Bonus: It’s 59 cent Taco Tuesdays! Taco Mutt™ is in LUCK!

Where the fuck do we start? Walked up to the local grocery store, I just maxed out the American Express on Heineken and the HEB bacteria infested rotisserie chickens just didnt seem appealing to me tonight, so we headed on over to the local TB. Me and the Taco Mutt™. Taco Tuesday is her favorite day.

I walk up to the cashier knowing that I want the NEW! NEW! NEW! Cheesy Beefy Melt! Turns out the cashier can’t talk, in her whispering miserable voice she informed me she was trying to get management to let her go home sick, she thinks she has strep throat. I also have a miserable sore throat too, I hear it was going around, I actually missed most of work today because I couldn’t talk this morning. Nice to know that cashier lady is rubbing it all over your change!  Turns out, management wouldn’t let her leave because they use the slime in the back of her throat in the special sauce for the Cheesy Beefy Melt.

Anyway, so I get the shit, I got my tray and set it on a table.  I headed for the bathroom. I made sure to snag the nutrition facts from the register, I like to know my daily intake of fatties for later. I put the tray on a table, proceeded to the bathroom and pissed on the floor as a token of appreciation.

I really just peed on the floor for Taco Town. If you question the legitimacy of this photograph, you have my personal guarantee that this is real. I made sure to transfer the stream over to the toilet bowl, just a little trace I left that’s all In honor of management not letting Diane go home because she has strep throat.

So anyway, back to the house- I made sure to grab a tray too. No way I’m eatin In that florescent shithole, it reminds me of my office!

Taco Mutt™ is ENTHUSED! Here’s the lowdown on the food:
The Cheesy Beefy Melt is as follows: Imagine a fluffy flour tortilla, with Taco Bell sour cream, cheese and beefy beef. The cheese has the consistency of the 7-11 nacho cheese, I can hear the noise of the 7-11 cheese-gun-machine in my head right now (rar-rar-rar-rar-rar). Anyway, not really that bad. It’s been about 2 hours as I write this and I haven’t gotten any warning signals from my stomach or my lower intestines. A typical TB experience, and truthfully, it wasn’t really that bad. Some regular salted up grade D beef, mechanically separated, with cheese (Everything is good on cheese, even blood and feces tastes good as long as you throw on some cheese).  Some dumpster lettuce and pressed by the creepy tattooed fat guy.

Mutt Butt got into the hard shelled tacos. She loves them. And that’s enough for us to know that they must be good. Although she prefers squirrel carcass and litter box remnants, Taco Bell reigns supreme in her heart. She went to town on these babies.

Her IAMS Mature Blend costs around 59 cents for 2 cups, so it turns out that the Taco Bell is actually cheaper. “Hey Mutt! You are eatin Taco Bell on Tuesdays so we can save some money!”

Would you really wash your hands for $8.48 per hour to start? Of course you get full benefits and that’s great for your nine kids, but cmon. I mean do you think a customer, usually someone that just smoked 8,000 bongs, stopping by after a trip to 7-11 is really gonna notice if you didn’t wash your hands?

Here’s the deal folks. The truth. Taco Bell isn’t that bad. Sure they don’t have organic meats and cheeses. And certainly any employees of a large corporate chain are most likely to mock the behavior of someone that is truly, miserable. So you eat there when you need to. You can be very thankful that they do have standards, they are open late, and it’s better than starving. Most of the food there is bleached and sauteed in Clorox, So it’s really not that bad.

Cavemen would have eaten the shit out of Taco Bell back in the day! The food has yet to be proven carcinogenic and we don’t know that it causes any sort of genital shrinkage. So just shut up and eat it. I had fun going here. It’s cheap. Although at one point I felt like I tasted infant feces in the meat, it went down smooth.

I tried to be cool and put the tray in the road as a sort of “Fuck You” to the corporate machine. In my mind, pissing on the floor wasn’t good enough. I was actually planning on acting like a total modern day punk and causing a stunt that was worthy of www.break.com but I changed my mind and chose to not put tacos in my ass in the parking lot while filming onlookers.

In regards to the tray shots: my camera blows and I almost got busted trying to get snapshots of cars on my street rolling over the tray. My gay neighbor came out while I was trying to snap pics, and he is always getting woke up by me putting shit in the street so this is all I got. Anyway, I did it for Taco Town. I did it for Taco Town.

Taco Bell sucks, but it’s an American staple. We eat it when we have to as remembrance as to where we come from. We get Taco Bell to remember us of our younger days, or the times when we have to cash in our change to Coinstar at the local HEB just to buy us enough time to get that cash advance at the pawn shop for groceries.

Taco Bell is like a Tuesday night. Not as bad as a Monday night, and often very tasty on a Saturday night.

Taco Bell is like that old porno magazine that you fall back on when you just can’t find anything else to rub one out to. Kinda like the underwear section of the Sears catalog. That’s how it goes. They never really come up with anything new, it’s just old shit layered on new shit. But it’s really old shit to begin with. The 7 layer burrito is just 7 x 2 decades of their bullshit crammed into a fucking tortilla. That bell noise that you hear in the commercials is the same noise that you hear shortly before you gasp your last breath on earth. Seems fitting doesn’t it?

Suck it up. It could be worse, you could be getting water from a shit infested stream and buying rotten meat from a South African meat dealer in the desert sun. Hey thank god for the power of radiated meat. You aren’t gonna live forever, we all know this. So shut up and eat. They take all the major credit cards! If only they could incorporate a Pawn-4-Taco™ program where you could cash in that old CD player or pawn yer lawn mower for a sack of Chalupas! Now that’s an idea!

Over and Out
Taco Blob

PS: Health Facts from FATS
• 1 Crunchy Taco = 170 calories
• Highest Calorie item:  FUCKING Chicken Fiesta Taco Salad has 800 calories!
*But w/o the shell its 430