TacoBlob: How to Toss Salad Like Jared
editor’s note: sorry, no taco’s here, but BEAR with us – Tacoblob is just getting back in to the blahggin game, and trying to be healthy too – BUTT of course, taking healthy eating advice from TacoBlob is like getting parenting advice from britney spears.
Most of you are naturally skinny. You can “carb up” and still not give a fuck. I don’t even eat carbs (except 4,000 beers per week) and I still can’t see my dick when I piss, so I have to consider healthy alternatives.
I’ve had the miserable privilege of eating at Subway almost daily since my new office is only a few doors down. The first few times I ate Subway salads they sucked balls. BUT, I finally found a low-cal fat buster salad that’s not packed with pubes and carbs.
Knowing the staff is important, or at least manipulating them is crucial. You have to be forceful, demanding- literally steer them towards the right toppings. You might have to say “more, faster, more, hurry up…” Also, be careful with meth-heads and others that are miserable (90% of the staff)- they will ruin your sub. But if you cultivate a good relationship with these people, you just may be in store for a healthy oasis of food that doesn’t cause post-lunch toilet spackle in the office bathroom.
This salad is EASY. If Jared had this salad he’d be looking Ethiopian in no time. First, get the chicken Florentine and ask them to microwave it. I get double meat because I have to feed my monstrous penis.
As they microwave, make sure to get half lettuce, half spinach. Load all the veggies, the more the better. Don’t let them be cheap about it, really load ‘em up.
You gotta time the hot chicken and the cheese at the same time for maximum melt. But, if you can’t see your dick when you piss, better axe the cheese and possibly even the meat, just to reduce the fat. Also, add vinegar and oil. If you want natural fat like olive oil and olives- which they say are good for your heart- I’d do it- Makes for a nice coating over my ulcer that I’ve got from pill abuse and alcoholism.
Garnish with oregano. Make sure and get jalapenos, unless you are trying to watch salt intake- gotta watch out for the pickled shit.
This is a low-carb meal, you can do the math when u first get in there and count up the chicken, the veggies aren’t much for calories or fat. The key here is the chicken, THE CHICKEN, it’s what makes it filling enough for a salad. Be careful with tuna – it’s not only filled with disgruntled employee SEMEN, but also has fatty mayo.
So that’s my pick of the week for salad. Subway is cheap, they see a salad and usually just charge you salad prices , not realizing you got meat. That’s part of being jedi about it- confuse them with a yogurt or one of your bullshit fake smiles.
The key is the microwave and the low fat chicken. Of course you can do their lunch meat too- sometimes a little pepperoni or bacon is a great mix with the chicken especially if you can get them to cut it up.
Or just get off your ass and make your own LUNCH!
Happy Lunching!
TACOBLOB
